Have you ever noticed how often you apologize for things that aren't your fault? Or how you physically make yourself smaller when someone walks past you? Or how you swallow your opinion in a meeting because you don't want to seem "difficult"?
For years, I was the queen of shrinking. I made my voice softer, my opinions milder, and my needs smaller, all in the name of being "easy to love." I thought that if I took up less space, I would be safer.
But here's the truth about shrinking: when you make yourself small enough to fit into someone else's box, you eventually suffocate.
Why We Shrink in the First Place
As women, especially GenX women, we were raised on a steady diet of accommodation. We were taught that our value lay in our ability to be helpful, pleasant, and unobtrusive. We learned to read the room and adjust our thermostat to make sure everyone else was comfortable.
If you've been through a divorce or a major life upheaval, the urge to shrink can be even stronger. You might feel like you've somehow failed, so you try to take up as little emotional and physical space as possible. I know this feeling intimately. I wrote about the identity shifts required to overcome it in 3 Identity Shifts That Changed Everything for Me.
The Cost of Playing Small
Here's what happens when you spend decades shrinking: you forget your actual size. You forget how powerful your voice is. You forget that your needs are just as valid as anyone else's.
When I hit rock bottom—facing my third divorce and surviving cancer—I realized that playing small hadn't protected me from anything. It hadn't kept me safe. It had only kept me hidden.
The turning point for me was realizing that my life was my own. I wasn't a supporting character in someone else's story; I was the lead in mine. And lead characters don't shrink.
How to Start Taking Up Space
1. Stop the reflex apologies. Notice how many times a day you say "I'm sorry" when you really mean "excuse me" or "thank you for waiting." Swap the apology for gratitude or a simple statement of fact.
2. Claim your physical space. Uncross your arms. Plant your feet. When you sit at a table, spread your things out a little. It sounds trivial, but physical expansion signals to your brain that you belong there.
3. State your preference. When someone asks what you want for dinner, or what movie you want to watch, or how you want to handle a project—tell them. Stop saying "I don't mind" when you actually do.
Taking up space isn't about being arrogant or disregarding others. It's about recognizing that your presence is valid, necessary, and worthy of taking up exactly as much room as you need.
You've spent enough time being small. It's time to stretch out. If you're ready to stop shrinking and start building your second act, book a discovery call with me. Let's see how much space you can really take up.
